Archive for September, 2011

Damned lies

Thursday, September 29th, 2011

This week we’ve been spreading some filthy lies on Twitter about the fine and entirely respectable institute that is the Together Agency.

Many of you will already know this if you have just clicked through from Twitter expecting to find a story about how the Together Agency has built a luxury hotel for lizards. That was a lie. Sorry.

Now, we could claim that this is all a big social experiment to prove the erosion of ‘truth’ as an ideal, or even a concept, in the modern marketing sphere. But that too would be a fib. We’re just monkeying around. Enjoy…

44 things about the Together Agency that are entirely untrue

1. The Together Agency ‘made up’ dinosaurs. They never really lived on Earth. It was just a joke that got out of hand.

2. Chris Waddle sometimes comes around to the Together Agency to play ‘Pop Up Pirate’.

3. The Together Agency was initially a controversial producer of experimental cheese.

4. The Together Agency once recorded an album with fringe cast members from Byker Grove.

5. Wasps are afraid of the Together Agency.

6. Parts of the Together Agency office is made from frozen Um Bongo.

7. The Together Agency teaches ninjas how to bake and fly kites.

8. The Together Agency invented eyelids.

9. The Together Agency once fought a robot.

10. The Together Agency controls the weather through blinking and humming old TV theme tunes.

11. The Together Agency has a car, it’s as big as a whale and it’s about to set sail.

12. Jon Bon Jovi wishes he worked at the Together Agency.

13. Greg Wallace from Masterchef once tasted the Together Agency and said it was ‘luvverly’.

14. The Together Agency knits woolly scuba suits for frogs who don’t like cold water.

15. Every time Ronnie Corbett thinks of the Together Agency his tiny face fills with rage.

16. The Together Agency has a whole department devoted to writing cheerful postcards to lonely lighthouse keepers.

17. Some monkeys dream of the Together Agency. Others dream of their own poo.

18. The Together Agency is staffed entirely by jellyfish in people masks.

19. There is a secret zoo room in the Together Agency. A bear called Leonard lives there.

20. The Together Agency invented Bovril, then pretended they didn’t because they feared beefy reprisals.

21. The Take That hit ‘A Million Love Songs’ is about the Together Agency.

22. The Together Agency owns the commercial rights to Noel Edmonds’ beard.

23. The Together Agency is looking at you right now.

24. The Together Agency smells like children’s crayons and some kind of mysterious soup.

25. If you squashed the Together Agency flat it would create a Frisbee the size of Portugal.

26. The Together Agency has a karate chop so lethal it could stun a gorilla wearing a helmet made from squid beaks.

27. The Together Agency hugs its postman each and every time he visits.

28. The Together Agency actually exists in an empty marmalade jar.

29. The Together Agency once starred in a film about an unremarkable teenage vampire who kept himself to himself.

30. The Together Agency loves pickles. And onions. But hates pickled onions.

31. At any given moment, the Together Agency is wearing over 300 different types of underpants.

32. The Together Agency only eats mint sauce on uneventful Wednesdays.

33. The Together Agency discovered a cure for wonky eyebrows, but kept it to themselves.

34. The Together Agency team all shares the same giant bottle of shampoo. It smells like apples.

35. No one at the Together Agency enjoys toast.

36. The Together Agency fights crimes using powerful binoculars and wild accusations.

37. The Together Agency jogs on. And on. And on. Then stops.

38. The Together Agency banned all words that rhyme with ‘puddle’.

39. The Together Agency does not fully understand the sporting etiquette of ten pin bowling in mixed ability groups.

40. The Together Agency does not know how to do a forward somersault.

41. The Together Agency cannot digest sliced cucumber.

42. The Together Agency can not ‘go for that’. No can do.

43. The Together Agency does not approve of swans.

44. The Together Agency’s real name is Ian.