Archive for February, 2012

Love is NOT…

Wednesday, February 15th, 2012

Valentine’s Day is a time for grand gestures of love and beautiful romance. It is also a time for making incredibly bad decisions in the name of amoré. Decisions that more than often could lead to your arrest.

That’s precisely why, as an act of public-spiritedness we put together a Valentine’s Twitter guide to what ‘Love is Not’. Follow our wisdom and you may be ok. Just. Maybe not.

Love is NOT a jacket potato cooked in a microwave.

Love is NOT a gift voucher for an intermediate level scuba diving course.

Love is NOT a badly forged signature from Lee Sharpe.

Love is NOT tickets to a cage fighting event (human or animal).

Love is NOT a furious wild otter trapped in the shower cubicle as a ‘surprise’.

Love is NOT a vigorous handshake and a cheery wink.

Love is NOT anything remotely associated with the Card Factory.

Love is NOT an excuse for hiding in a stranger’s wheelie-bin.

Love is NOT turning up at someone’s office and performing a glockenspiel serenade.

Love is NOT writing a song only using words that rhyme with ‘cuddle’.

Love is NOT a poorly planned tattoo. On the neck.

Love is NOT something that should require safety goggles.

Love is NOT a film that ends with running in an airport. No one runs in airports.

Love is NOT writing poetry on the office toilet paper.

Love is NOT a ‘best of 15’ arm-wrestling tournament.

Love is NOT a sandwich containing over 30 different regional cheeses. Or maybe it is…

Love is NOT sharing a toothbrush. With each other and especially not with wild mammals.

Love is NOT a sculpture made from nothing but your own toenail clippings.

Love is NOT sniffing someone you only know casually.

Love is NOT something to express through breakdancing.

Love is NOT often found in a carrier bag of slightly soiled Terry’s Chocolate Orange segments.

Love is NOT gluing yourself to someone’s car bonnet.

Love is NOT a keyring. Or a novelty pen. Or hilarious comical plasters.

Love is NOT a lengthy series of four minute voicemail messages. Especially if the last one is just the sound of howling.

Love is NOT ‘posh’ crisps. Nor is it a grab bag of Hoola Hoops.

Love is NOT the David Beckham underwear that Designer John has bought himself. Shudder.

Love is NOT typing what love is not on Twitter while weeping enormous, lonely tears into the keyboard.

Love is NOT something that can be eloquently expressed through fridge magnets and Fuzzy Felt.

Love is NOT painting someone’s portrait on the side of a transit van.

Love is NOT an appropriate occasion for a Wesley Snipes film marathon.

Love is NOT best expressed through any form of kidnap.

Love is NOT a reason to sing on the bus. There is no reason to sing on the bus. Ever.

Love is NOT Sky Plussing every programme ever to have featured Claudia Winkleman.

That’s about it. Literally anything else goes.

The Five Laws of Snowman

Friday, February 10th, 2012

We know what you’re thinking. There’s a bit of snow on the ground, ‘let’s get out there and haphazardly cobble together a shapeless mound of snow, slap a raggedy hat on him and pretend to ourselves that we’ve created a man of snow.’

 

Get a grip of yourself. What you have created is a crime against winter.

 

But never fear, by simply following our ‘Five Pillars’ of creating a legitimate snowman you will soon be the envy of friends, neighbours and strangers alike. Until some unruly youth comes and kicks him down, of come.

 

1. Your Snowman will not fly. If he does, you should be terrified and in no circumstances should you join him on a magical adventure. Snowmen are notoriously murderous fiends and rather than taking you to a fantastical snowman party, he will strangle you in the woods with his surprisingly mighty twig-arms. You have been warned.

 

2. Defy fashion conventions. Hats, scarves and coal buttons are out. Ask yourself this: ‘how would Gok Wan dress my snowman?’. We suggest carrot-bottom chinos, a chunky knit cardigan, a snood and some natty boat shoes (without socks). Fierce.

 

3. The smoking ban does not turn a blind eye to snowmen. By all means, give your snowman a pipe but be warned you will also have to build an elaborate designated snow ‘smoking-area’ and adequate signage. You may also have to build several snow community-police officers to ensure the snowman smoking law is upheld. Save yourself a lot of hassle and just give the old chap a can of powerful lager instead.

 

4. Hooligans will attempt to kick your snowman down. This is sad and deflating, but unfortunately it is the natural lifecycle of the snowman. It’s his snowy destiny to be reduced to dirty mush by the boots of unruly youth and there is nothing you can do to stop that. Except maybe fill your snowman’s belly with bricks and angry wasps – but this is not something we could possibly encourage.

 

5. Name your creature. Whether you play it safe with something like ‘Snowy Bob’, or go for something a touch more experimental like ‘Professor Cyril Chillingford’ the poor chap will not be a proper snowman until he has a name.

 

Of course, once you’ve named him it is your duty to greet him loudly and cheerfully by that name (ignoring strange looks from folk in the street). You are also required to fall to your knees, weeping and screaming his name towards the sky when he melts into a rather miserable puddle.

 

These are the rules people. The snow authorities will be watching you…