That’s precisely why, as an act of public-spiritedness we put together a Valentine’s Twitter guide to what ‘Love is Not’. Follow our wisdom and you may be ok. Just. Maybe not.

Love is NOT a jacket potato cooked in a microwave.

Love is NOT a gift voucher for an intermediate level scuba diving course.

Love is NOT a badly forged signature from Lee Sharpe.

Love is NOT tickets to a cage fighting event (human or animal).

Love is NOT a furious wild otter trapped in the shower cubicle as a ‘surprise’.

Love is NOT a vigorous handshake and a cheery wink.

Love is NOT anything remotely associated with the Card Factory.

Love is NOT an excuse for hiding in a stranger’s wheelie-bin.

Love is NOT turning up at someone’s office and performing a glockenspiel serenade.

Love is NOT writing a song only using words that rhyme with ‘cuddle’.

Love is NOT a poorly planned tattoo. On the neck.

Love is NOT something that should require safety goggles.

Love is NOT a film that ends with running in an airport. No one runs in airports.

Love is NOT writing poetry on the office toilet paper.

Love is NOT a ‘best of 15’ arm-wrestling tournament.

Love is NOT a sandwich containing over 30 different regional cheeses. Or maybe it is…

Love is NOT sharing a toothbrush. With each other and especially not with wild mammals.

Love is NOT a sculpture made from nothing but your own toenail clippings.

Love is NOT sniffing someone you only know casually.

Love is NOT something to express through breakdancing.

Love is NOT often found in a carrier bag of slightly soiled Terry’s Chocolate Orange segments.

Love is NOT gluing yourself to someone’s car bonnet.

Love is NOT a keyring. Or a novelty pen. Or hilarious comical plasters.

Love is NOT a lengthy series of four minute voicemail messages. Especially if the last one is just the sound of howling.

Love is NOT ‘posh’ crisps. Nor is it a grab bag of Hoola Hoops.

Love is NOT the David Beckham underwear that Designer John has bought himself. Shudder.

Love is NOT typing what love is not on Twitter while weeping enormous, lonely tears into the keyboard.

Love is NOT something that can be eloquently expressed through fridge magnets and Fuzzy Felt.

Love is NOT painting someone’s portrait on the side of a transit van.

Love is NOT an appropriate occasion for a Wesley Snipes film marathon.

Love is NOT best expressed through any form of kidnap.

Love is NOT a reason to sing on the bus. There is no reason to sing on the bus. Ever.

Love is NOT Sky Plussing every programme ever to have featured Claudia Winkleman.

That’s about it. Literally anything else goes.

We know what you’re thinking. There’s a bit of snow on the ground, ‘let’s get out there and haphazardly cobble together a shapeless mound of snow, slap a raggedy hat on him and pretend to ourselves that we’ve created a man of snow.’

Get a grip of yourself. What you have created is a crime against winter.

But never fear, by simply following our ‘Five Pillars’ of creating a legitimate snowman you will soon be the envy of friends, neighbours and strangers alike. Until some unruly youth comes and kicks him down, of come.

1. Your Snowman will not fly. If he does, you should be terrified and in no circumstances should you join him on a magical adventure. Snowmen are notoriously murderous fiends and rather than taking you to a fantastical snowman party, he will strangle you in the woods with his surprisingly mighty twig-arms. You have been warned.

2. Defy fashion conventions. Hats, scarves and coal buttons are out. Ask yourself this: ‘how would Gok Wan dress my snowman?’. We suggest carrot-bottom chinos, a chunky knit cardigan, a snood and some natty boat shoes (without socks). Fierce.

3. The smoking ban does not turn a blind eye to snowmen. By all means, give your snowman a pipe but be warned you will also have to build an elaborate designated snow ‘smoking-area’ and adequate signage. You may also have to build several snow community-police officers to ensure the snowman smoking law is upheld. Save yourself a lot of hassle and just give the old chap a can of powerful lager instead.

4. Hooligans will attempt to kick your snowman down. This is sad and deflating, but unfortunately it is the natural lifecycle of the snowman. It’s his snowy destiny to be reduced to dirty mush by the boots of unruly youth and there is nothing you can do to stop that. Except maybe fill your snowman’s belly with bricks and angry wasps – but this is not something we could possibly encourage.

5. Name your creature. Whether you play it safe with something like ‘Snowy Bob’, or go for something a touch more experimental like ‘Professor Cyril Chillingford’ the poor chap will not be a proper snowman until he has a name.

Of course, once you’ve named him it is your duty to greet him loudly and cheerfully by that name (ignoring strange looks from folk in the street). You are also required to fall to your knees, weeping and screaming his name towards the sky when he melts into a rather miserable puddle.

These are the rules people. The snow authorities will be watching you…

What initially intrigued me was the close relation it had to the ‘Impossible Dream’ ad by Honda (made in 2006 in which a hirsute fellow upgrades his transport in the 2 minute story – to end driving his speed boat off a waterfall only to appear in a hot air balloon) and the Levis ‘Freedom to Move’ advert by Jonathan Glazer made in 2002 where a couple literally run through walls accompanied by Handel’s ‘Sarabande’ both award winning adverts and both brilliant executed.

The Will.I.Am (what a ridiculous bloody name) video takes both these concepts and literally turns it up to ELEVEN. It is a classic example of too much money and ego and quite frankly it’s rubbish. It doesn’t help that the lyrical content involves lines like: ‘Tell a jealous chicken I don’t know what the beef is – I’m just making money for my grankids’ nieces’ and ‘I’m way out like NASA, I’m way over here I done past ya, I get stacks of cash, you get cashews, I go hard, statues.’

I beg your pardon Mr I. Am, you are making no sense whatsover.

But what of the video? Well Mr I. Am begins on foot runs through a wall with ‘Hardest’ written on it, smashes through the other side on a bicycle and then proceeds to smash through walls upgrading his ‘rides’. At one point he is sitting on top of a ‘super train’ and just when he has gone through all the terrestrial forms of transport he’s up in to space where he then rips off the 2001 A Space Odessey light show (but with J-Lo instead) and finally it ends with bloody Mick Jagger singing ‘Hard like Geometry, and Trigonometry, this is crazy’!

Yes Mr Jagger crazy indeed.

1/10

Our Christmas Sprout Face Challenge has seen us inundated with vegetable creations – some hilarious, some horrifying but all of them showing the true spirit of the sprout.

And now the time has come to announce the winners of the Sprout of Britain Awards (and the recipients of some truly exciting sprouty-prizes)…

The grand prize for the People’s Sprout goes to…

Eddie ‘The Sprout’ Edwards by James Stratton at Nottingham Trent University – for inspiring the people through the sporting prowess of a fearless (though ever-so-slightly mouldy) little green hero.

 If sprouts had arms and hands they would, sir, no doubt salute you.

A rather nifty organic Sprout watch is on its way to James as well the pride of being hailed by his fellow man as a genuine artist of the sprout.

But while James is the official Together King of the Sprouts, we’ve also got some other smaller sprout prizes to hand to those who have championed our tiny green friends in a number of imaginative ways…

The Sprout of Rock Award goes to…

Spinal Sprout by Greta Bisetto-Donelan D’Este at Turner Broadcasting – for turning the spirit of the sprout all the way up to 11.

The Celebrity Sproutalike Award goes to…

Brussel Brand by Emma Harrhy at Monarch Education Furniture – for the best and most unruly hairifying of a sprout.

The Jedi Sprout Award goes to…

R2D2 Sprout by Sponge New Business – In the words of Yoda (another tiny green hero) ‘forceful’ Star Wars inspired sprout created they have.

The Death of a Sprout Award goes to…

Sprout Suicides by Gary Bagnall and Haydn Marshall at Beachcomber – for sending those fiendish sprouts to an imaginative (and gruesome) doom. (Take a look at the horror in all its animated glory).

The Old School Sprout award goes to…

Just William Sprout by Roisin Kirby at Nottingham Trent University – for a frankly ingenious piece of vegetable engineering to create a school boy cap from sprout leaf.

The Emotional Sprout Award goes to…

‘Writing a Worried Email Sprout’ by Chloe Roberts – for poignantly capturing the existential angst of the modern working sprout (and making it look like a tiny green octopus).

The Entirely Random use of a Sprout Award goes to…

Brussel in a Mussel in a Tussle by Martin Rockley – for the best arbitrary incorporation of shellfish (with extra marks for creating a rather splendid cardboard sword).

The Sprout Grooming award goes to…

Aristo Sprout by Matt Guest at Chatsworth – for the dedication it takes to carefully give a tiny green vegetable a very precise haircut.

The Comedy Sprout award goes to…

Sir Brussels of Sprout by Ishbel Macleod – for the best ‘wah wah waaaah’ old-school comedy gag.

Congratulations to all the winners. You should feel very, very proud (although having made such a triumphant start to 2012 you may struggle to recapture such dizzying success for the rest of the year. Sorry about that).

Come along and take a look at the gallery of all the winners and bask in their green glow of greatness.

Also, we want to give a huge thanks to everyone who got involved in the Christmas Sprout Face challenge – either as creators or supporters. It’s been a right old giggle for us here at Together towers and hopefully you’ve enjoyed it as much as we have.

Eyes peeled for more interactive banter as the year goes on. Until then… Peace Sprout.

In the spirit of our Christmas Sprout Face challenge, here are some entirely true facts about the magnificent sprout.

1.

The world’s biggest sprout was grown by a Mexican farmer in the Christmas of 1986. It was as big as a Gorilla’s head. The local villagers believed it was the God of Vegetables and named it El Veggio Divinio (literally translated as ‘the Vegetable that created the Universe’).

2.

During the Second World War, an English RAF pilot got in the wrong plane and accidentally dropped 40,000 sprouts over a German military base. The entire German command based there evacuated the very next today. The incident is referred to by European historians as the ‘Night of the Green Rain’.

3.

An amateur golfer in Japan once turned up for the Tokyo Open with no golf balls at all. Under strict club rules he was not allow to borrow any from other competitors. By astonishing chance he had with him a handful of sprouts, which he was permitted to use as golf ball substitutes. Sadly, his sprout totally disintegrated on his first tee shot and he was immediately disqualified.

4.

In 1924 Olympic silver medal winning canoeist, Sterling Micklestone, became the first (and only man) to cross the English Channel in a boat made entirely from sprouts. He also constructed a special set of oars from carrots, parsnips and turnips. By the time he arrived in Calais, onlookers observed that his craft was under ‘a ferocious attack’ from hundreds of hungry seabirds.

5.

So disgusted was King Henry VIII by the sprout that he ordered a law to be introduced whereby anyone caught eating the offensive veggie was stripped naked and painted entirely green. No one was ever convicted under this law, although it is widely reported that several ‘Secret Sprout Societies’ formed throughout the UK. Some historians speculate that these sinister vegetable brotherhoods still exist today.

6.

In the 1700s, a much feared pirate operated off the Cornish coast who went by the name of ‘Sprout Eye Bill’. He earned his nickname after a particularly violent bout of scurvy caused his left eye to swell up to three times its normal size and turn entirely green. ‘Sprout Eye’ was sensitive about his affliction and was known to chop the toes off any man who stared too long as his bulbous green eyeball.

As you know, in the new year we’ll be handing out the Sprout of Britain awards across a number of categories.

Amongst these will be the People’s Choice Sprout, where whichever sprout has most tickled the public’s festive fancies will be recognised with a sprouty prize.

To champion the Sproutish creation that you feel most deserves this award simply go to our Facebook Sprout Face Christmas Gallery album and ‘Like’ your favourite.

And if you’re a Sprouty creator who firmly believes your entry deserves this honour, then feel free to campaign amongst your chums to drum up support and get them to visit our page and vote for your Sprout.

If you can’t get onto Facebook simply send us an email to hello@togetheragency.co.ukto register your veggie vote. Plus if you can’t get on Facebook and need to take a peek at the contenders, visit the Sprout Face Gallery on our website.

Voting closes on Friday 6 January. So go on, speak up for your Sprout and spread that leafy love…

Monkeys, penguins, lizards… these are the things that occupy our minds most of the time here at Together.

So when the chance to pitch for the role of Bristol Zoo’s marketing agency came up, we dived into it like a penguin belly-sliding across the ice.

And we’re thrilled to say that they were so chuffed with what we showed them, they offered us the chance to come on board as their new marketing agency.

Cue big celebrations in the Together jungle.

Now, do you think they’ll let us borrow a Mountain Chicken (it’s a big frog)?

Actually, the truth is right here – if by truth you mean the story of this years’ Sprightly and Sproutly Christmas card from Together.

What we’ve done is send out to our very best chums in all the word a tiny package containing:

1. A single run-of-the-mill sprout

2. The tools and inspiration you need to transform him into a veggie icon

3. Big and powerful festive hugs.

If you’ve received such a package, it’s then your challenge to create your very own sproutish character.

You can use the stickers we’ve provided, or you can quite simply go nuts and let your imaginations tickle that humble sprout into a whole new astounding existence.

Then simply snap a picture of your creation and upload him to facebook.com/togetheragency (don’t forget to give the young fellow a name).

We’ll not only proudly display him in our Sprout album on Facebook we’ll also place him into our special Sprout Gallery on the Together website too. Keep your eyes peeled on our Facebook and Twitter pages (as well as the website) to see the new Sprouts being added.

Sprout of Britain
Best of all, when the new year rolls around we’ll be trawling through the entries and handing out sprout-themed prizes for the sprouts that have dazzled and dizzied us in equal measure as part of the first ever Together Sprout of Britain Awards.

(And believe us, we’ll be handing out the kind of prizes that even the little toe-rag from the John Lewis advert would want to keep hold of – with everything from Sprouty games and goodies to our grand prize of an organic Sprout watch.)

So, if you’ve received a sprout, do the decent thing and let him experience the wonders of facial features, immense facial hair and possibly even a rather jaunty piece of headgear.

After all, think of the pleasure this ‘delicious’ green fellow has given to ‘millions’ of Christmas dinner eaters all across the world. Surely he deserves his moment to shine?

Also, if you haven’t received a Sprout kit but fancy getting involved than drop us an email at hello@togetheragency.com and we’ll be delighted to send you a pack so you can join the leafy adventures.

We look forward to seeing your Sprouty creations in the next few weeks. Until then, in the words of that true Christmas saviour, Sir Cliff Richard: ‘let’s get smashed and have a blinder’.

p.s. If you happen to have been on holiday and return to find a three week old sprout on your desk, all we can say is ‘oops’. Feel free to send us some out-of-date yoghurt or a bad potato as retribution.

Home to Fjords, really good polar explorers and some jolly friendly people, Norway is a pretty brilliant place to be. It’s also the home of ABAX, one of the world’s biggest innovators and distributors of cutting-edge vehicle tracking technology.

And just recently, the fine folk at ABAX have approached us about helping them with a massive launch of their business over here in the UK.

Already we’ve dived into some thoughts about helping them with everything from their marketing strategy and campaign planning to their brand positioning, so watch this space for developments.

What’s Norwegian for ‘Hurrah’?

Let’s get one thing clear, pal. This is a serious blog. This is a blog where weighty issues are dissected, debated and deconstructed. This is a forum where the important socio-political issues of the marketing sphere are examined in detail. A land where the behemoths of ‘thought leadership’ wander tall and proud like cerebral dinosaurs in a jungle of critical reasoning and forensic examination.

NEVER make the mistake of assuming it is anything other than that.

Now that we’ve cleared that up, we’ve invented a bloody brilliant new game and want to share it.

It’s called ‘Animal Team’. Basically, you take every letter of your first name and choose an animal that begins with that letter. The group of creatures you are left with determines what your ‘Animal Team’ would be.

For example. If your name happened to be ‘Brian’, your Animal Team could be…

Badger
Raccoon
Iguana
Anaconda
Newt

And let’s face it, with that gang of beasties watching your back, no punk is gonna want to mess with you (beeatch).

We’re rather impressed with our own Together Animal Team:

Tortoise
Otter
Gibbon
Eel
Toad
Haddock
Earwig
Rockhopper Penguin

This game has filled literally minutes of our time. Try it for yourself and experience several seconds of sheer joy.

Don’t thank us. To share is all the reward we need.

More intellectual tomfoolery to come soon.